So after 30 years I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, it’s weird but it’s true.
I was bullied and teased at school and often only on guest lists because the birthday girl/boy’s mom made them invite me. The quintessential nerd. I spent my life being too skinny then too fat, my “English accent” was too much, my quirky personality was too much, my hair was too much, I spoke too much, I read too much and as I result I tried to minimize myself… straighten the hair, “un-twang” the accent, don’t stand out too much.
I tried to remind myself to talk less, to be less dramatic, to go with the flow (sometimes going against who I was) just to not be left out.
I ventured out of my comfort zone a couple of times, getting married to someone I only dated for six months, despite everyone being against it and being vocal about my grieving process after my son died, despite being told not to dwell. I had another child the year after I lost my first, despite people telling me it was too soon and am opting to only have one due to medical reasons and feeling complete as a family (unless it’s not God’s will) despite being told how selfish I’m being. Each of these decisions has brought me so much happiness and started the process of listening to myself and God not others.
Earlier this year around my 30th birthday I was a reporter for a very well known paper, my stories were often front page and I was getting invites to amazing functions and events, but it just did not feel right. A voice inside my head kept saying, “you want something else, this is not it”.
I found myself going into a depressed state, I was diagnosed with depression in my early 20s and had been handling it pretty well when this “sleep all day, everyone leave me alone” feeling started setting in again.
I felt a voice say, “JUMP! RESTART!” I was so unsure, people were telling me how lucky I was to have a good paying job in this economy especially one that held such “prestige” (their words not mine).
Friends thought I had lost it and was just going through a bad patch, I couldn’t just quit, what would I do with my life?!?!.
I spoke to my husband and my parents (yes they are like my best friends, judge away, hehe) and their message was simple; “do what makes you happy, we support you”.
I was scared, although the voice inside my head and heart (which I believe was God) was overwhelmingly loud, I was still afraid of what people would say, what would I be exactly? How would I cope having worked in that office for almost ten years? Would I be able to feed myself and my family? I needed a plan!
By the time I sat down with my boss, my cheeks flushed and words falling over each other, I didn’t have a fool proof plan I just knew I needed to leave.
But soon offers came in, translating work, freelance writing, lecturing, photography gigs, starting a gifting business with a friend and I realized I could finally pursue my dream of starting a kids accessories label.
God said, “Jump I will catch you”, but even while falling I was unsure, people failed to keep their promises, projects ran out of money and I feared so would I.
But God kept his promise, I sit here typing this four months away from the day I jumped, I have since been certified in online digital marketing, built a office/studio space which I love and bought a car and actually drive it (I always hated driving and relied on hubster) !
I work three days a week in my old office now, but this time I’m doing design (which I did before venturing into reporting and really enjoyed) and the other two days I create for my accessories company. I sew and craft it all myself and it brings my heart so much joy. I also work for the gifting business which is so special; we get to help people show their loved ones how much they care and that is really an amazing feeling. I even do freelance writing and have been given great opportunities through my blog.
I can’t believe my luck and side note, I don’t tone myself down anymore, my hair and personality are both big and so is the love of my friends and family. I am truly blessed!