There are so many critical processes a person has to go through in life. Forgiveness. That’s a process, hard but very necessary. This was my saving grace… else I would have remained hurt. And would’ve become bitter! So after forgiveness and healing has taken place, after redemption and God giving you beauty for ashes… everything is cool right? I can now go on with living my best life! I thought so too.
I’m going to be vulnerable with you for just a minute. My previous relationship was toxic! All kinds of abuse, manipulation and social exclusion. As time went by, I learnt how to live with it. Cope with it. It became so damn normal that later I accepted it. After a while this was all I knew. I’ve learnt how to defend, how to attack and how to put up walls! I’ve learnt that in-laws aren’t the nicest of people, they will listen from their room while you get bashed into a wardrobe and just come fetch the kid. I’ve learnt how to act as if everything is fine when everything is not fine!
Fast forward to the day before Laz took me home to “meet” his family. I was laying in bed the evening, overwhelmed with excitement and nervousness. And then experience whispered in my ear, I was up thinking of possible scenarios of how this is going to go down, I was thinking of questions they may ask, hints they may throw and believe you me I had clap backs for EVERY possible situation. I went with ammunition and a covered heart!
Instead, I was left clueless. What I have learnt… that knowledge I have acquired, that mental construct was of no use to me with these people! There was absolutely nothing to defend myself from. I had nothing to prove to nobody. It confused me like programming did back at University. What was I suppose to do with acceptance, warmth and Love I received form his family when all I knew was the opposite?
I had to unlearn.
UNLEARNING is the process of letting go of old ideas, information and ways of doing things that no longer serves us in the way they use to.
My behavioral patterns had to change, I didn’t have to be pins and needles, and guarded. I could laugh out loud with tears rolling down my cheeks while being “stuck” in an elevator with his dad. I could have a cup of tea, chop veggies and converse with his mom while she prepares Sunday meals, with absolutely no awkwardness or any funny feels. I could go on cocktail dates with his sister and his aunts and actually enjoy it, without pretence. These are just a few of the benefits of unlearning.