That’s probably what I’ll call you, amongst other names …
I secretly envy the girls who write to their husbands telling him how they are waiting for him, how they are keeping themselves pure and living their lives with him in mind, all the while not knowing when he’ll show up. The girls who focused on their education and got those degrees in order to contribute financially to the household so their partners don’t have to work so hard – to be his helper in every way possible.
In all honesty, I wish I could say that I am waiting for you now … but I’d be lying. I love you too much for that. Let me tell you where I am at right now. I AM BUSY. I’m working a full time job to try and tend to me and my daughter’s needs. I try to attend as many of her chess and netball games and try to remember little 7 year old girls and boys’ names so I can know exactly who she is talking about when she tells me about her day. This is my life at the moment. I’m trying to survive while winning at motherhood. I AM TRYING. I am trying to be the best me. Trying to be a better partner to you.
Anyways, 8 years back I thought someone else to be you, my husband, but he wasn’t. I didn’t know how to recognize you, or how to look out for you. So I said ‘Yes’ to the idea of you.
I’m sorry for not waiting on you, for not saving myself for you. I’d like to be able to say sorry that my first born isn’t your first born, but I trust you are spiritually and emotionally mature enough to understand that I cannot say that and cannot rob my daughter of her identity. You’ll come to learn that I don’t believe in coincidences etc, but I do however believe that we move out of the perfect will of God into His permissive will, and that we have to deal with the consequences of our decisions. My bad choices taught me many lessons, good and bad. Hence I’d be lying If I said I’m waiting on you. I’m too busy preparing myself for you. I’m unlearning so you don’t have to pay the debts of another. I’m focusing on me so you don’t get ‘damaged goods’ coz you deserve the best of me.
So even though I’m not writing to you on how I am waiting for you, I need you to know that I am preparing for you. When I check into the gym, I am not waiting for you, dearest husband. I am conditioning my body to be the healthiest and fittest version of me, not just to look bomb in my wedding gown but to house and nurture your babies.
I’m nothing like the Ruth in the Bible, or the Modern day one on Facebook. There are some similarities, I cannot deny – like being a hard worker. So you won’t find me waiting on you. You’ll find me working on me …
With lots of love
From your Wife xo